Posts tagged ‘the vicar’

July 1, 2012

An act of God?

by 3arn0wl

The vicar’s overslept again!

Awoken by the sound of the church bells summoning the faithful to matins,  he jumped out of bed on the wrong side and,  unthinkingly,  donned his wife’s trousers before dashing to the service.

Half way through the second hymn he groped under his cassock, looking for his sermon notes which he remembered putting in his slacks, only to realise the enormity of his predicament. Fumbling frantically,  he found a pencil,  a half filled balloon,  a stick of chalk and a nail.

And thus it was that he was able to improvise a sermon based on Psalm 8 vs 4, in place of the Dangers of robbing Peter to pay Paul one that he’d planned.

June 10, 2012

Pigs might fly

by 3arn0wl

A ǝʌıssɐɯ helium balloon served as a beacon over the tabernacle of the beer tent, attracting the Young Farmers, like moths to a flame, to Fiona’s Suffolk Punch.

Everyone had gone of course:

As always, Chorley Showground provided a vehicle to showcase all the latest farming gear for the farmers to drool over: hoes, sprayers, riddlers, ploughs and crossp dressers.

This year the show took on more of a festival atmosphere:

And at the end of the day J.W.’s bull is always best in show. …………………….

June 9, 2012

“Husband!” “Shepherd!” “Have you any wool?” “Yes Trish!” “Yes Em!” “Three bags full.” One for the dame, and one for the dame, and one for the dame who’s having a jolly long scarf knitted.

by 3arn0wl

It’s the annual sheep shearing competition over @ Gawthrop Farm, and as usual Margot Lemon’s fleecing the flock.  A more unlikely sheep shearer are you likely to find,  as she stands there in her twinset and pearls,  doing a ewe a minute.

She’s not overly discriminatory though,  so I wouldn’t get too close:

  • ᗡႱ’s already had a number two,
May 2, 2012

Well, well, well

by 3arn0wl

Gloria Moore née Devine  is always immaculately turned out.

Hugh and Holly Wood scrub up nicely too.

And even the vicar has his moments – when he manages to get his vestments on the right way round.

But, come the first week of May, Angela Anyould and the ladies of the Little Sniffy W.I. collect the blossoms needed to dress Little Sniffy’s well.

April 1, 2012

Ass goes AWOL after running amuk

by 3arn0wl

Several old-aged pensioners were bowled over earlier this morning,  by a stampeding donkey at the Hallowed Prostitute.

GuyAngela Anyould’s ass – was making her annual appearance at the Palm Sunday service when she suddenly lashed out,  kicking the verger on his left shin.

The incident happened during the processional hymn,  and several members of the choir were mown down as the bucking mule made a beeline for the exit.

Ambulances,  the Police,  the RSPCA and carrot-growing market gardeners were all called for assistance.

Eye-witness acolyte Angel Feathers (15) said “It were awful. I think it got spooked by flashlight photography, and it just lost it”.  Church Warden Imin Charge added “That’s the last time the vicar will be allowed to implement his hair-brained ideas.  There’s donkey s*** everywhere.”

January 8, 2012

Ewe & You and Yew

by 3arn0wl

Alistair Crookes couldn’t work out whether the vicar was annoyed about the intrusion, concerned for their welfare, or pleased that the graveyard wouldn’t need mowing for a little longer.

It seems that, somewhat inexplicably, the sheep had got out of twenny acre field behind the Hallowed Prostitute, and into the graveyard.  One ewe, Babababababra-ann, had even managed to sneak her way into the church during matins, and had only been discovered because she couldn’t bleat in time or tune to her favourite hymn.

The vicar had received a number of calls from parishioners who had witnessed the flock performing covert ‘ops over the cattle grid, in order to gain access to the greener grass on the other side.  This when they were all pregnant.

What Alistair was really worried about however, was that his girls might fancy a nibble of the Taxus baccata in the churchyard.  He was all too aware of the peculiar tastes that pregnancy seemed to develop.

November 28, 2011

Kindle a flame

by 3arn0wl

Three children from the Little Sniffy CofE Primary School went to the family service at the Hallowed Prostitute yesterday morning with the Christingles they’d made at school on Friday.  They watched as the vicar lit the first of the advent candles.

Poppleton Council’s electricians spent the day erecting the Christmas lights. This year, twenty-four places have been selected and, like an advent calendar,  an additional one will be lit each evening.

And Tim Panini put another log on the fire at the Flying Pig, and Ginni and Oliver Over settled down on a chesterfield with a chilled bottle of Snodding’s Blanc Plonk.