Posts tagged ‘The Hallowed Prostitute’

July 1, 2012

An act of God?

by 3arn0wl

The vicar’s overslept again!

Awoken by the sound of the church bells summoning the faithful to matins,  he jumped out of bed on the wrong side and,  unthinkingly,  donned his wife’s trousers before dashing to the service.

Half way through the second hymn he groped under his cassock, looking for his sermon notes which he remembered putting in his slacks, only to realise the enormity of his predicament. Fumbling frantically,  he found a pencil,  a half filled balloon,  a stick of chalk and a nail.

And thus it was that he was able to improvise a sermon based on Psalm 8 vs 4, in place of the Dangers of robbing Peter to pay Paul one that he’d planned.

May 27, 2012

High Spirits

by 3arn0wl

Parishioners were all set to e-mail the videos they’d taken on their smart-phones earlier to the Archbishop of Canterbury, in the hope that he’d declare events at the Hallowed Prostitute, a Miracle.

Hundreds of doves  descended from the roof, as worshippers were celebrating Pentecost.

Church Acolyte Angel Feathers said, “It were amazin’.  All of a sudden, all these pigeons swooped down, and started peckin’ at the corn the vicar ’ad dropped ont’ altar.”

On further investigation however, Church Warden, Imin Charge uncovered several bird cages in the vestry, and declared it to be just another stunt by the vicar.  “If he thinks I’m going to be scrubbing that bird muck off those wooden carvings up there, he’s got another thing coming”, she said.  “This is a church, not a bloomin’ Hitchcock film”.

May 9, 2012

Tricia Lowe spins a yarn

by 3arn0wl

Beth Evans had been in touch with an idea:  she wants to raise money for Cancer Research.

Tricia and Emily are going to fleece their men, by hook or by crook, to donate all this Year’s wool, which contributors would then ‘buy’ at retail price.

She’d brought a couple of props with her – 7 foot 2 pit props that,  as if by magic,  Joe Appleby had turned into a pair of very long needles.

The Hallowed Prostitute won’t suffer from the cold next winter: her round tower will be adorned with a lovely long scarf.  And once the scarf is finished, people can donate to tie a ribbon on it.

That certainly energised the knot of knitters @ the Flying Pig last night.

April 15, 2012


by 3arn0wl

Yan paid his first social call earlier today.

In a service of thanksgiving and joy,  he was introduced to the parish at matins.  And wasn’t he as good as gold throughout the service:  gurgling through the prayers, wailing through the hymns and sleeping through the sermon – much like his father, come to think of it.

Afterwards, during coffee and biscuits, the congregation played Pass the Parcel – each taking their turn to be enchanted by the little darling.  Somewhat serendipitously, the beadle was left holding the baby at nappy changing time!

April 1, 2012

Ass goes AWOL after running amuk

by 3arn0wl

Several old-aged pensioners were bowled over earlier this morning,  by a stampeding donkey at the Hallowed Prostitute.

GuyAngela Anyould’s ass – was making her annual appearance at the Palm Sunday service when she suddenly lashed out,  kicking the verger on his left shin.

The incident happened during the processional hymn,  and several members of the choir were mown down as the bucking mule made a beeline for the exit.

Ambulances,  the Police,  the RSPCA and carrot-growing market gardeners were all called for assistance.

Eye-witness acolyte Angel Feathers (15) said “It were awful. I think it got spooked by flashlight photography, and it just lost it”.  Church Warden Imin Charge added “That’s the last time the vicar will be allowed to implement his hair-brained ideas.  There’s donkey s*** everywhere.”

March 18, 2012

10 mile deep and a foot wide

by 3arn0wl

It had started with breakfast in bed:  an overrated act of love in her opinion as she always managed to embed the toasted breadcrumbs deep down in the sheets.

It continued at the Hallowed Prostitute, where posies had been doled out to any female over the age of consent.

And then in the Flying Pig, where free puddings were lavished upon childbearing hips of all ages.

But she’d had enough by the time she was given free choice of DVD for the afternoon’s entertainment, opting instead for a gentle walk around Snodding Estate.

Holly Wood just wished that the lengths of the depth and width of Mother’s Day were turned the other way round!

March 16, 2012

Mourn Lower

by 3arn0wl

It’s Friday morning and Lilly Watts is at the Hallowed Prostitute, as usual.  She’s cleared away last week’s flowers and artfully arranged a bunch of daffs she’s brought for his grave.  As she worked she chatted – telling him all the latest news and gossip, oh and yes, the family were coming over at the weekend, it being Mothering Sunday.

And as she went about her business J.W. Constable walked up and down with his metal detector like Flymo.