Posts tagged ‘Farmers’ Market’

July 10, 2012

Stuff and nonsense

by 3arn0wl

Liz Bannister wanted to bake a Victoria Sponge for tea. She didn’t have all the ingredients though,  so she sent Graeme to the Farmers’ Market with a shopping list:

Well, for some reason Ella Miller wasn’t there, so he couldn’t get the flour.

Phil didn’t have any eggs left either.

And so, in the best traditions of the professional supermarket shopper,  he substituted a packet of Roger Moore’s biscuits for the flour,  and a carton of Minnie Driver’s cream cheese for the eggs.

He’d got everything else though, so that was good. He was sure Liz would be pleased too. 😀

June 19, 2012

Strawberry shortage leads to unusual jams

by 3arn0wl

There were long queueueueueues on Eddie Lowe’s fruit stall @ the Farmers’ Market earlier, as news spread throughout the region of a shortage of soft fruit.

Local celebrity, Felicity Flowers, contacted press Here, to alert us of the crisis, and ever since, we have received numerous reports regarding the looting of jams and preserves.

Farmers were said to be employing veg-ilantes with nets to defend their soft fruit. However, on closer inspection they turned out to be scare crows, and the nets were covering the fruit.

Market traders reported a run on beans, though perhaps that’d make something more akin to chutney than jam.

Within the past hour,  Inspector Force has issued the following statement: “This is a matter of grave importance. If members of the public see criminals with more than 2 pots of jam or 2 punnets of strawberries, or red lips and mouth, they SHOULD NOT approach them, as they may be dangerous. They should report the sighting immediately to the police”.

May 29, 2012


by 3arn0wl

Have women’s accessories been offended?

Heaven forbid a sexist slur!

No, it’s just a typo – ‘Insulted bags’ were available at the Farmers’ Market today to convey home battered chickens.

April 3, 2012

Drilling for black gold

by 3arn0wl

As Oliver tramped Over the footpaths of the area admiring the gold of his crop, he was aware that time was approaching for drilling the Spring rape.

To ensure good crop rotation whilst maximizing the acreage he can drill, he’s persuaded a number of farmers in the area to swap fields with him. And whilst they’ve been planting wheat and barley and beat and potatoes at Home Farm, he’s focussed on producing his very profitable liquid gold.

Demand for the oil is well known, but when erroneous reports from less reputable media outlets suggested that there may be delivery complications, there were queues around the block at the Farmers’ Market.

Not to worry though, Oliver’s got Reserve vats vast reserves!

March 6, 2012

Fair Trade πs

by 3arn0wl

Unaware that it was British Pie Week, Simon was at the Farmers’ Market, where he hoped to meat a ………..  He ended up buying a very tasty Pork Pie.

Minnie Driver was famished.  She’d been stood in the cold all morning trying to shift her four cheeses. And with all those wonderful smells wafting over from that gourmet van!  Sheer torture.  In the end she caved into a Cornish pasty.

Fr. James Dean of St. Nick’s was also unaware that it was Fairtrade Fortnight, but nevertheless he enjoyed a cup of Fair Trade tea with a tart he’d picked up in Upper Snodding.

February 7, 2012

Cheesed Off

by 3arn0wl

Having spent some time experimenting with different pissibolities,  Minnie Driver has finally produced four cheeses ready for market: a crumbly Cheshire, her soft Gawthrop Blue,  a lightly smoked and a fruity one that would make an excellent cheesecake topping all by itself.

She had intended to take her cheeses to the Farmers’ Market in Upper Snodding,  and would have done so had she not received a letter from the Cheese Board that morning informing her that her blue cheese had not received a certificate.

Apparently it’s just whey too blue!

January 24, 2012

Offally scarce

by 3arn0wl

Neeps: nay prablem
Tatties: two a penny
Single malt: by the weee drrram.
Tartan: pressed

The Fiddlers & Dodgers had been booked for weeks, and he’d bin practisin’ Amazing Grace on his bagpipes for days.

Even the toasts were written and practised.

But the whole thing was about to come unstuck, because he couldn’t find the guest of honour.

And it was in less than 24 hours!!!

Orrrhhh norrrhhh!!!!!

What on Earth was he going tae dae? …………..